For MaryGrace Orlando (Hers wasnt working):
Have you ever really liked a guy, but you won’t act on your feelings until you get a confirmation from your friends that they think he is cute too? In the article The Context Dependence of Hot Guys (and Girls), Sam Sommers explores the importance of context in dating by conducting an experiment and coming to the conclusion that girls are more attractive to the guys that other girls find attractive. This only occurs however, when the girl deciding whether or not she likes a guy, sees girls that she likes fawning for him as well. I would think that this was more competition than anything else; every girl fighting over the hottest guy. However, it goes much deeper than that. This study concluded that even our instincts and most natural perceptions are influenced by context.
Do you agree with Sommers in his findings? Have you ever had an experience like this? Do you think that where we are and who we are with influences our own discernment all the time or only in certain situations like in dating?
I think Sommers' findings are accurate, especially when he talks about Seinfeld episodes, in which they show how much more attractive a married person looks supposedly than a single person. I feel like people would be asking why the single person was single, if there was a reason, what happened to their last relationship and why it didn't work out, etc. I also think the title of the research paper he mentions in the article is extremely accurate: "I like who you like- but only if I like you." It seems to me that people will only like others and find them attractive if they know others do, in order to conform to society. It's like anything else; we buy clothes that are in style and things that correspond to the latest trends and with what others are wearing. What we are and who we are with certainly influences our own discernment all the time, and not in specific situations like dating.
ReplyDeleteI have never had an experience like this. I can't remember factoring in other girl's opinions of my boyfriend when deciding whether or not I'd like to date him. I can see people doing this often, however, and I don't think they take into enough account their own opinion based on what they find attractive, and the fact that they may be different from another's.
I definitely find Sommer's findings to be accurate. In my group of friends we're always asking each other whether the guy one of us is talking to is attractive or not. Personally, I don't think my friends opinions on whether a guy is attractive would dictate my opinions once I'm dating a guy but I definitely care what my friends think of a guy who I am just "talking" to and I have certainly asked for their opinions on whether a guy is cute or not. I think girls in general play out this whole scenario without even realizing it, but it's just the way society works. We all want to date or talk to someone that others like, it gives us a sense of confirmation in a way. Although it's not "correct" or even nice, we rarely want to be seen or talk to people that no one finds interesting, and we especially as a society do not want to claim or date someone that people don't find to be desirable. That's why I feel like all these female pop stars and celebrities have such staying power, they're desirable among men which makes them automatically attractive to women, we buy magazines and read interviews because we see something to learn from and be like.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I agree with Sommer because with my friends someone may say "oh he's cute" and about half of us may disagree. But like Amber said we always ask each other if a particular guy is attractive. However, I've never had my friends opinion influence my thoughts about a guy's physical appearance. However, if they said he was a creep with a horrible personality, that's a whole different story. I know a lot of people won't get involved with someone because they are not attractive but what someone finds attractive is all all opinion based and I even thought it happens I don't think people should take other people's opinion when it comes to their looks. I also think where and who we are influences our own discernment all the time because outside factors and biological factors affect our thoughts and judgement about everything that we go through.
ReplyDeleteI agree thinking it is somewhat an instinct to "want" what other girls "want" in this competition type setting we call life. Knowing that other girls think the guy you like is attractive always makes the guy seem more attractive to you. I know my friends and I will have the tendency to "swoon" over the same celebrities and in that moment that guy seems more irresistible. Also I find my friends asking for approval from out little circle before pursuing "talking to him."
ReplyDeleteTo some extent I agree with Sommer because as Amber pointed out, we do check with our friends when we think we might be interested in a guy. Certainly where and who we are play a difference in what we are going to find attractive. In the broad spectrum, being thinner in America is typically considered attractive, while in a country where people are starving, thin probably wouldn't be seen as attractive.
ReplyDeleteIn a simpler context, I check with my friends on how cute a guy, though when it comes down to it, I'm concerned with his personality, like Taylor pointed out, we're not going to date a creep with a horrible personality.
I also know that even if my friends don't think the guy I like is the cutest, if I like him, that's what comes first.
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ReplyDeleteI think that Sommers' findings are accurate to a certain degree. Though we might like who our friends find attractive, he doesn't mention how the people we're with are generally like us. The reasons you're friends with your friends is because you have similar interests and traits that you can bond over- therefore liking the same guy only makes sense. Although I do talk to my friends about boys, to be honest, I don't care whether my friends think the guy I like is cute or not. There have been times where we've liked the same boy, and times where they tell me they find the boy I'm interested in not to be "their taste" however that doesn't discourage me. I personally think we are who we are and though our personality might change a little depending on who we're with, there is still some traits that are constant. I'm not about to go out and date someone all of my friends think is cute, instead I'm going to date someone who I think is cute.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Sommers to a certain extent. I wouldn't base my entire situation of being attracted to a guy on my friends' opinions. Everyone has different taste. Though, the physical attraction shouldn't be the defining factor in any relationship like this. I tend to take a different approach: I go to my friends for help when deciding if I actually should pursue the attraction. So instead of asking "Do you think he's cute?", I ask, "Do you think it's a good idea to see if this goes anywhere?". I couldn't care less whether or not they thought he was attractive.
ReplyDeleteI do think that who we are with affects our discernment. I feel that most people have an innate desire to be approved by others, so a lot of people would go to great lengths to conform and be accepted. I know that I, for one, am guilty of this.
I do think Sommers' findings are accurate. I also agree with Meghan that deciding whether or not to enter into a relationship with someone shouldn't depend solely on another's opinion. However, I can see this happening often. Instead of going out with someone because they genuinely like the person, people tend to get their friends' confirmation before they proceed. Personally, I think my friends' opinion on a guy's personality is something I'd take into more consideration than their comments on his appearance. Overall, I feel that people have a genuine desire to be accepted and approved of, and that who we're with or where we are can influence our decisions when dating or in other situations.
ReplyDeleteAs like everyone else I do agree that Sommers is correct in his findings. I think that every girl wants her friends to think that her boyfriend or the guy she is talking to is good looking, its like a confidence boost. That is not to say that my friends or myself fall into that category. There have been many times when I think someone is attractive but my friends do not but that does not mean I stop liking him and vice versa with my friends. I think that if you have a lower self esteem level you may be more prone to listening to friends opinions more. It should not matter what they think, they are not the ones dating him. The only time this situation would be different is if the guy you like is a jerk and your friends are trying to tell you that, then you should strongly take that into consideration.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with Sommers. I think we all have probably consulted our friends in the past to see if they think a guy is good looking, and I think all of our perspectives have been at least somewhat affected by their opinions, even if we don't realize or acknowledge it. I think that this can certainly be overcome if you have strong feelings for a guy, but if it is strictly looks - not personality - that we are talking about, I think the way our friends see him has a huge effect on the way we view him. I think that we often trust and value the opinions of our friends because they usually have worldviews similar to our own, and therefore we think they can offer a perspective that we might have if we were removed from a situation. I think that who we are with and where we are does have a pretty big effect on our discernment all the time because we more often see things within our own frame of context rather than taking a step back and seeing the big picture, as that usually requires more thought and effort. I also agree that competition probably has something to do with being attracted to the same guys as other girls, because I think it is in our nature to want things more the harder they are to attain, and it is likely that the more girls that like a guy, the harder he is to attain.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Sommers. I have experienced things like this in my life, especially when you already like a guy and are trying to defend it to your friends. I have been in a situation where you show your friends a picture on facebook and they don't have the reaction you want, so you have the "he doesn't actually look like that, he's really hot" reaction. We care about what other people think, because we are teenage girls. We care what others think about the person we like, and we seek approval. Approval can add to how much we like someone and a dislike can take away from how much we like someone. We also have to take into account the fact that society decides what beauty is. Each culture and time period has their own idea as to what beautiful is, and 99.999% of people at least partially by into this. As much as we want to think we personally have our own "type" and we choose what we like in a person, our choices in significant other are greatly influenced by others.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with everyone else in thinking that Sommers findings are accurate. If our friends approve of the guy we like we are definitely more likely to pursue him. In my group of friends this is actually a pretty common occurance, but i think some people opinions count more then others. If i like a guy and introduce them to my friends and they later respond positively by saying he's cute i will more likely keep going out with him because i know i have their approval. Little is usually mentioned about the personality of the persona though, looks are more important to people. We all like to think we have our own say in our environment but the people were with and the situation were in definitely have an effect on us. We try to change to fit different situations, we do things that we think will be deemed appropriate and accepted.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sommers findings. If your friends approve of the guy you like then you are going to pursue him. if your friends think he is ugly then chances are you are going to start seeing that and move on. We live in a society where other peoples business in our choices is important. We want to fit in, we want everyone to be jealous of what we have. We also live in a very visual society. From photoshop and other programs, making someone "perfect" is very easy. Having an "ugly" boyfriend is a no no. I definitely have had an experience like this. A couple of weeks ago, my friend and I went and picked up one of her guy friends. After we were finished hanging out the moment after he stepped out of the car she asked me if I thought he was cute.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with agree with Sommers findings because every girl out there in the world wants to impress their girlfriends and other friends by showing of their "hot boy-toy." With confirmation from their friends, girls are able to get this satisfaction of having the hottest boyfriend around. This also gives them a boost of confidence and self esteem. I don't think I have ever had a experience like this because my parents constantly ask me why I date such ugly guys but to me I really date someone only because of their personality and how they act towards me. If someone treats me like a princess of course I will love them! I do think that where we are can influence our discernment in situations like dating because we always want to impress others.
ReplyDeleteLike many of my classmates said, Sommers findings seem to be accurate. Every girl I know asks her friends approval of a guy and if nobody else finds him attractive she doesn't really pursue her interest. If a guy is attractive to a girl's friends it confirms that she has picked a good looking guy and it probably is a boost to herself esteem knowing everyone things she has an attractive boyfriend. I don't think this mentality only applies to dating, because I think most people want to have something everyone else wants, like a good job or going to a good college. It applies to many aspects of life, which is why people should make sure that they are pursuing something they actually want instead of what their friends want.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with the result of Somers' experiment. I think that, even if we are biologically engineered to be a certain way, we are still influenced by our environment. How our personal biological nature manifests itself may be limited in different ways depending on our environment as well as our intelligence. I have had situations like this, every single day. There wouldn’t be such contest between nature and nurture in what determines who we are if our environment did not influence our judgment. I think that even when we are not aware of it, our own personal thought process plays a role in our discernment of situations. I believe that in dating, we are more aware of certain aspects of our nurture and how it may manipulate our decision in what he like and/or dislike in a significant other. People may make decisions based on what they believe thinking that it is entirely their own decision, but in fact they quite possibly may be making the decision based on a biological predisposition. So are our judgments or perceptions of our surrounds entirely our own? Are our thoughts entirely are own?
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with Sommers in his findings. I don't think any girl would want to date a guy that her friends don't find attractive. Girls need their friends approval and it makes them feel confident knowing the someone else finds the guy attractive. I have had an experience like this where as soon as a guy walks away from a conversation, I'll ask my friends (or they'll ask me) "do you think he's cute?" I don't think that where we are and who we are with influences our own discernment all the time. Not even in a situation like dating because some girls don't really seem to care about what others think, especially regarding looks.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what Sommers is saying partially. Although it's true that our friends influence our decisions when we decide whether or not we like a guy, there are many times when we create our own opinions. A lot has to do with our instinct and the feelings that we get when we first meet a person. I personally have not experienced this. When I like a guy, I usually don't listen to what other people have to say, which can be a good and a bad thing, although I do like the extra confirmation (or ego boost!) when people say, "he is so cute!" I do think that our friends influence our decisions everywhere in our life but a lot has to do with how insecure we are. Many girls feel as though they need the approval of their friends whenever they do something, whether it is what they wear, and what they do.
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